My Own Direction
by waywardangel0
Summary: Burt Hummel did not survive his heart attack.  Devastated, Kurt recalls a conversation his father had with him and deals with his heartbreak by changing the only thing he feels that he has control of, himself.  full summary inside


**My Own Direction**

**I don't own Glee; I just enjoy reading and writing fan-fiction for it.**

**Warnings: This fic will contain slash (the main pairing will be Kurt and Blaine) and graphic sexual scenes later on in future chapters. Don't like it, then please don't read this story. This story will also contain adultery, drug use, foul language, sex between a minor and an adult, bullying, and other material that should not be viewed by anyone under the age of 17. Please use your best judgement before reading this story.**

Hello everyone! This is my first go at fan-fiction so I appreciate any and all reviews and constructive criticism. :) Just be gentle, it's my first time! (My poor attempt at humor...insert awkward laugh here, ha!) I wanted to write something a little unique with a different story line so hopefully I haven't managed to screw up too badly. Kurt will be a little out of character but events that take place in his life contribute to how he changes and develops. This fic will focus mainly on Kurt Hummel, but Blaine will also be a big part of the story as they will get together sometime in later chapters. The rest of New Directions will also make a few brief appearances but will not have a major part in this story. The first few chapters will give a lot of background information. Kurt will have frequent flashbacks for a while which will be in _italics_. The first couple chapters don't really need the "M" rating but as this fic goes on it will be required so it's that for now just in case. Thanks so much for reading my story! xoxo!

**Summary:**Burt Hummel did not survive his heart attack. Devastated, Kurt recalls a conversation his father had with him a few months back and deals with his heartbreak by changing the only thing he feels that he has control of, himself. Sent to live with his dad's brother in New York City, Kurt is greeted by the uncle he barely knows with a rigidly formal handshake and a look of indifference. Determined to make a fresh start for himself, Kurt acknowledges the fact that his father and uncle have had problems in the past and clears the air before embarking on a journey of self-discovery. The words of the late Burt Hummel are carved into the foundation of Kurt's character and support him in the direction he takes and stable him as he becomes a man.

**Chapter 1 (Always my son, Forever my father)**

_(Flashback)_

_His father sat down next to him with a heavy sigh and a gentle yet unsure look in his eyes. Kurt knew automatically that whatever his dad wanted to say to him was important and put his Vogue magazine down on the coffee table before looking up at the man with a reassuring smile. Burt was a loving man but always looked a bit awkward when he wanted to have a heart to heart conversation with Kurt. The older man smiled back when Kurt took his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. It had been just the two of them for so long that it was a habit that seemed to give his father a little extra confidence and help put him at ease. Quiet and patient, Kurt waited for Burt to speak._

_"I've been thinking a lot lately about how you're growing up so fast," his dad hesitated and cleared his throat in a self-conscious manner. Kurt gave him a look of understanding and a nod of his head for his dad to continue; emotional discussions were definitely not Burt's strong point. " Oh hell Kurt, you know I'm no good at this," Burt mumbled quickly before looking up at Kurt's raised eyebrow, big grin, and look in his eyes that clearly said, "Uh, no shit dad," without Kurt having to say a thing. They both couldn't help it and dissolved into laughter at how ridiculous they both looked trying to have a serious talk. _

_The previous tension all but disappeared until Burt once again got serious. "I know things aren't easy for you right now with people at school and all," Burt started in on a sore subject for Kurt and he could feel the heat on his face as he cast his eyes down, embarrassed. Burt continued on as if his words had caused no reaction in Kurt and for that much he was grateful, at least some of his dignity was still intact. "I wish I could tell you things are going to get easier and that the next coming years will be the best of your life," his dad's voice was strained, "I'm sorry to say that couldn't be further from the truth."  
__Kurt didn't have to look surprised because he already knew how right his father was. Children could be mean but usually didn't have malicious intent in hurting one another. Some days Kurt longed for the days of being picked last for kickball because some of the popular boys thought he was a sissy. Yeah, some of them had been mean but at least they didn't have the hate he saw in their eyes now. Hate for the one thing about himself he could not change. Hate that he knew would continue to grow in them like a disease as they grew older and then someday maybe passed down to their children as if it were genetic. He started to wonder if the "hate" gene skipped a generation now and then or if those who didn't show signs of it still carried it in them like a terminal cancer, growing and consuming them until it completely took over. Is hate sometimes like terminal cancer? Does it reach a point where it is immune to reason and compassion like cancer can reach a stage where radiation and chemotherapy are useless?_

_"Kurt!" His dad's voice was a bucket of ice water and startled him violently out of his thoughts. Burt looked concerned and placed a large yet comforting hand on his shoulder to help steady him. It both relieved him and scared him at the same time; he hadn't known he'd been shaking so hard until he suddenly was forced to stop by his father's firm grip. Kurt looked up into the hard, determined eyes of the man who always rescued him, even from himself. Burt spoke with a fierce passion, "No matter what anybody says to you, I want you to always remember that you can be whatever you want to be. There are going to be times in your life when you'll be pushed to your limits and even knocked down, but don't let that stop you or you'll hate yourself forever. Call the shots in your own life and to hell with everybody else! Someday, I'm not going to be here to stand be your side and that kills me. I won't always be there to save you though I want to be, I know I can't. You're strong, Kurt, and brave even if you don't know it or always feel like it. You've already withstood so much that I know I would have never endured at your age. I won't always be there to help you fight the battles that are still to come but you don't need me to be. Just know that wherever I am, I'm proud of you and the man I know you'll become and fight to stay. And no matter where you go or the choices you make in your life, that will be as cruel as it wonderful, the man you see in the mirror everyday will always be my son." His vision was blurry with tears threatening to fall, he tried to hold himself together. It wasn't until strong arms wrapped around him and he was pulled close to his father's chest that he finally broke down completely. The man he thought never cried was sobbing with him and clinging to him for comfort just as hard as he was holding onto him.  
_

_(End of Flashback)  
_

It was raining, how fitting, and everyone else had gone long ago. The service was lovely, at least that is what those who attended had told him in gentle, pitying voices as they left. What was so lovely about it?

He had given the eulogy as he knew that is what his father would have wanted. By some incredible feet, he had managed to keep his composure in front of nearly the whole town that had gathered to pay their respects. One by one he had shook hands and accepted hugs from people he barely looked at. Their words of comfort were wasted on him and he couldn't offer any in return. They left him standing alone in the cemetery; they must have thought that he needed time by himself.

(Kurt's POV)

It's pouring now. I can't tell if I actually started crying again at some point or if I've stopped for good. If tears could bring you back I'd cry forever. The service ended hours ago and I don't think I've moved much since. Why did you leave me dad? If I could go back to that conversation we had a few months back, I would have told you that you were wrong. "I need you here! I want you back! Why the fuck didn't you take me with you!" I must look like a crazy person screaming at a stone. I don't think I give a damn what I look like anymore or who the hell sees me.

It's dark now and I'm kneeling in the mud in front of your grave. I can't remember when I stopped standing. I know I should go now, it's late. I'm soaked and the ground is sinking in around my weight; maybe if I stay just a little longer I'll sink down completely. I'm numb and I can't even feel the beating of the rain on me anymore. I think I'm dead inside; I can't feel anything at all. Is this what you feel like now?

I don't know where you are now. A few of your friends told me you're in God's hands. I guess they said that to make me feel better. I don't. I don't believe there is a God so it does little to comfort me to think you're in his hands. No, I don't know where you are anymore; I only know that you're not with me.

Can you see me now? Wherever you are, are you watching me? My suit is ruined and I'm filthy. The storm's getting worse and I can barely see through the rain that's coming down in buckets. I want to drown in it and wash away into nothing. You would save me, I know it, but you're not here. "I hate you!" I'm screaming again and if you were here then you'd know I'm screaming at myself.

I'm alone now. Standing by here in this world you left me in. I didn't think it was possible, but the storm is over now and I'm still here. I endured it without you and I still feel so empty inside. You're gone and it's finally sinking in. Your words play on constant repeat in my mind. I'll always be your son and no one can take that away from me. "I'll always love you dad. Even though you're not here with me now, you're still my father, forever."

(End Kurt's POV)

The sun was just beginning to rise and Kurt stood by his father's grave singing softly, "You sheltered me from harm...kept me warm, kept me warm. You gave my life to me...set me free, set me free..."

(End of Chapter 1) 

**Ok, well there it is, the first chapter. I know there's a great deal of grammar mistakes so sorry for that. Otherwise, I hope it doesn't completely suck. (Crosses fingers and glances around nervously) Please review, it would make my day! :) Also, sorry if Kurt comes of a little emo to you but he's dealing with a lot now so I think he's entitled to it. The next chapter will go into who Kurt is sent to live with as well as some changes he starts to make in himself. The part of the song Kurt is singing at the end is from "Everything I Own" by David Gates and originally recorded by his band, Bread.  
**

**Until next time then! xoxoxo!**


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